Anger management: Thermometer and Thermostat

Posted on February 27, 2012 by Carlos Todd

True anger management demands that we recognize our emotions and consciously decide how we will act on those emotions. Emotions are fascinating because they are a way of communicating with the world, they give us clues about what we love, cherish and the things we have less regard for. Wrapped up in literally thousands of emotions is an emotional language that connects us with the world in meaningful ways. Who wants to be like the character Data on Star Trek–an emotionless being who lives only in the realm of logic? I certainly don’t.

It is emotions that bring the world to life, like the thermometer, they give us information regarding our reactions to life’s occurrences. Emotions have their own intelligence and are fascinating assisting humans in shaping their perception of the world. However, perceptions need to be analyzed first before making decisions. In the same way that one may feel warm and may check the thermometer to provide information on the temperature; emotions are also informational but we are in charge and responsible for our actions no matter what our emotions are.

In the indoor environment, if an individual perceives that the temperate is to hot or too cold the thermostat is a wonderful device that can be used to regulate the temperature to the appropriate level. This device gives us the control to determine if what we perceive physically is comfortable or uncomfortable. It is the same in the management of anger. When we perceive the our emotions  it is individual’s responsibility to act as the thermostat does and regulate their emotions in a manner that does not violate the rights of others or cause self harm.

In the same way that being able to make the decision to change the position of the thermostat demands full awareness of the temperature I encourage clients who attend my anger management classes to become more aware of their own emotions by developing emotional literacy. This literacy is a first step to emotional intelligence and true anger management. The opposite is an individual who acts mindlessly on their feelings without any considerations that emotions are signals and not commands. Are your emotions informational or directives?

Carlos Todd, PhD

MasteringAnger.com

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Anger Management: Lessons from the playground

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Carlos Todd
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101 Free Anger Management Tips: Practice them for a better life

Posted on February 5, 2012 by Carlos Todd

  1. Read a book
  2. Breathe deeply
  3. Talk with a friend
  4. Transferring the situation from negative to positive by self talk
  5. HALT! Find out if you are hungry, lonely, tired or some emotion other than anger
  6. Take a long bubble bath
  7. Have a sexual encounter to release endorphins
  8. Take a walk in the park
  9. Talk about the issue at hand
  10. Have a good cry
  11. Write down the pros and cons about how to deal with the situation
  12. Walk away
  13. Go to a 24 hour establishment and sit in the parking lot and review the situation
  14. Remove yourself from the situation
  15. Go shopping
  16. Go out to dinner with friends
  17. Paint your nails
  18. Work on a project in your garage
  19. Spend time with someone that is dear to you
  20. Do something special for someone else and keep it to yourself
  21. Use paint to create how you feel on paper
  22. Clean your home
  23. Mow your lawn
  24. Write a story about the situation
  25. Listen to your favorite song
  26. Take a long drive through a very scenic area
  27. Go sit by a body of water and calm down
  28. Talk about what you are angry about
  29. Identify other emotions behind your anger
  30. Ask yourself what is the real reason you are angry
  31. Go to the spa
  32. Seek professional help
  33. Learn to laugh
  34. Watch a comedy
  35. Dance
  36. Go out and have fun
  37. evaluate all of your current relationships
  38. evaluate how people in your life addressed anger when you were a child
  39. Find out what are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express anger
  40. Play your favorite sport
  41. Forgive the person you are angry with
  42. Practice self talk to calm down
  43. Replay in your head the positive way to deal with the situation in which you are angry
  44. Prepare one of your favorite meals
  45. Talk on the phone with someone to help you calm down
  46. Compose a story regarding the situation and develop two endings one that discusses what happens if you follow thru with your anger and one that explains what happens when you express your anger appropriately
  47. Find a place that is special to only you and go there to think
  48. Smile, the more you smile, the more difficult it is to stay angry
  49. Have a massage in your home
  50. Scream as loud as you can, then regroup
  51. Prayer
  52. Live your dreams
  53. Count to ten
  54. Anger is a secondary emotions—always find out what is driving your anger
  55. Be always aware of your emotional state
  56. Check your perception of the situation
  57. Angry thinking creates anger-transform your thoughts
  58. Anger is a normal emotion-embrace it
  59. Never follow another driver in anger
  60. Never listen to your angry self talk
  61. Be aware of your emotional state
  62. Take breaks
  63. Avoid fatigue
  64. Take responsibility for your own actions
  65. Avoid the tendency to be always right
  66. Go for a long drive
  67. Go for a long walk
  68. Reduce stress
  69. Lower your expectations
  70. Mediate
  71. Walk away— repeated because this very important but hard to do.
  72. Avoid excessive use of alcohol
  73. Talk out your problems
  74. Be prepared for life’s surprises
  75. Learn to laugh at yourself
  76. Go to anger management classes
  77. Improve your time management
  78. Avoid people that tend to increase your irritability
  79. Learn to communicate your needs
  80. Avoid passive aggressive behavior
  81. Improve money management
  82. You never have the right to hit someone—Never
  83. Get adequate sleep
  84. Behave at sporting events the same way you want your children to behave
  85. Stay clear of angry people
  86. Recognize that what you value or believe others may not
  87. Don’t procrastinate
  88. Be organized
  89. Don’t assume that because you said something other will do it—you are not the center of the universe
  90. Know your pet peeves
  91. Be open to the opinions of others
  92. Avoid excessive overtime
  93. Take time for yourself
  94. Compromise
  95. Remember that your needs are not always the most important
  96. Play your favorite sport
  97. Don’t use illegal substances
  98. Call Carlos Todd today at 704-804-0841
  99. Be selfish sometimes and care for your own needs
  100. Build an emotional literacy
  101. Exercise

Carlos Todd, PhD

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Is Your Anger a Sign of Grief?

Posted on February 3, 2012 by Carlos Todd

Sometimes if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it may not be a duck. In the case of anger sometimes the appearance of aggression and hostility may not be anger. In fact, it may be a sign of profound grief and loss. In working with the angry I have noticed that a little investigation reveals that their anger is rooted in some trauma or loss of some kind. This feeling of loss promotes the following:

 

  1. A hypersensitivity that leads to misinterpreting the actions of others as disingenuous or hostile
  2. Fear of losing more in life which lead the individual to keep relationships superficial and reject the relationship at the first sign that they could be hurt.
  3. Isolation from others which may present as hostility or paranoia
  4. Overreaction (anger or aggression) to life events
  5. Overly critical and self-doubt
  6. Assigning blame for loss to self
  7. A general angry disposition that can be traced back to some major life loss or trauma

Chronic anger is almost always a mask for other emotions therefore it is very important that one recognizes that feelings of anger may be a sign of grief or loss. If this is the case, psychotherapy may be in order to address the grief issues which would likely over time resolve problems with anger.

Carlos Todd,PhD

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When You Should Avoid Conflict

Posted on February 1, 2012 by Carlos Todd

Before I begin let me first say that when I speak about conflict in this article I am referring to any interaction where there are opposing viewpoints. Also, I do not consider conflict as negative.  Now that is out of the way let me begin.

Timing is everything and sometimes it may not be the time or place to address that issue that is likely to create a conflict. Yup! I did say that there are times that you should avoid conflicts. Let me first say that I am an advocate for healthy conflict because in my experience such conflict can create a sense that each person in the conflict is free to grow while building a common collective agenda that is also good for all parties in the relationship.

However before one engages in a potential conflict, remember one important thing. When an individual react negatively in a conflict it is because of a feeling of disrespect not necessarily directly because of what you said or did. Therefore in any conflict the MOST important thing is to maintain respect. Individuals will respond positively to far more if they feel respected. What should be respected? I contend that there are three things to be respected when choosing to engage in or avoid a conflict:

  • Respect the person’s physical time. Ensure that the time chosen to engage in the conflict is agreed upon time. For example the persons may decide to meet at 2 pm.
  • Respect the person’s environment. Choose a place to engage in the conflict that fosters feelings of respect (not on the factory room floor in front of others)
  • Be sensitive to the emotional time. Ensure that there is not an issue so emotionally draining going on in the person’s life that would distract them or increase their defensiveness when dealing with the proposed conflict.

In any conflict the parties involved want something for their effort. My contention is that if there is a focus on respecting others and an implementation of the three points I proposed we all can avoid conflict until it is most appropriate to engage.

CarlosTodd, PhD

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Anger and the Emotional Vocabulary

Posted on January 29, 2012 by Carlos Todd

Some years ago I wrote a series of articles titled, “Change Your Language Reduce Your Anger.” In those articles I introduced the idea that anger management can be achieved if we learn an emotional vocabulary. Since then, my position has not changed; in fact, it has grown stronger. The more I interact with angry individuals the more I hear confusion that anger often brings. The statement, “I don’t know why I feel this way” or “I don’t know what I am feeling” is often the refrain of the angry. In that context I become the interpreter of emotions. I seek to help the individuals find words to give their emotions a name. Naming their emotions helps to clarify the primary emotions that are driving the anger and meet their needs with a higher degree of precision.

My contention is that those who have a poor emotional vocabulary are likely to have more persistent anger management issues because they can’t adequate perceive, and name their own emotions. They are in effect in an automated cycle where their emotions are driving their actions but they have no control. They are in a kind of mental chaos where they do not have words to describe their own emotions. Without language it is almost impossible to meet their true emotional need.  Think for a moment when human civilization was without a written and spoken language. We as a species were much more inefficient because of the challenges in communication. In the same way, humans who lack the vocabulary to precisely define and communicate their own emotions are bound to live a life disconnected from who they are and what they need. They will therefore make a series of life decisions that are not in line with their core desires which will lead to feeling disconnected, confused and angry at themselves and the world.

A good enough emotional vocabulary can bring about real change in the life of an individual because it will allow the individual to clear the fog of confusion, untangle the meaning of their emotions, bring precision and clarity  and take them on the path towards meeting their emotional needs. A very easy way of understanding this concept is to think of one of those signals on the dashboard of the car. Most people know the check engine light and are able to take some action to investigate the cause of the problem however fewer people know the tire pressure light. Imaging seeing that light and not knowing what it is or what it means. The irony is that regardless of whether you know the meaning it will have some impact on your life especially if it is indicating that you will have a flat tire soon. However if you have the language to define the light as the tire pressure light one can take action. Without that language it gets much harder to take the appropriate action. The same is true with emotions. They are there to tell us something about who we are and what we need. If we don’t have the language to name these emotions there will be certain chaos and anger in that individual’s life.

I am therefore beginning a project called Emotional Vocabulary 101 in which I will tweet a new word every day. I am asking that you follow me on Twitter and Facebook and share any thought(s) you may have on that word of the day. Join us as we become more emotionally literate.

Carlos Todd, PhD

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Two Categories of Anger

Posted on January 28, 2012 by Carlos Todd

Anger is either situational or existential. In my work over the years I have found people present with anger management issues either because of a trigger event in their lives or because of more existential concerns.

It is easy to spot situational anger. The individual will describe one or a set of events in their lives that trigger anger and aggression. On the other hand, existential anger is more subtle. It involves the individual having lost meaning and purpose in their lives and hence he/she carries a deep sense of bitterness. This type of anger is pervasive across the individual’s home, community and work life.

While situational anger can be addressed with skill building work in anger management classes, addressing existential anger may require psychotherapy to discover the root(s) of this loss of meaning. Only a licensed mental health professional can make a competent assessment of which course of action is best.

Carlos Todd, PhD

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Good and Bad Avoiding

Posted on January 28, 2012 by Carlos Todd

Dr. Ralph H. Kilmann, CEO of Kilmann Diagnostics and coauthor of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict-Mode Instrument (TKI)

There are two kinds of “avoiding” to keep in mind: good avoiding and bad avoiding. Good avoiding is when you purposely leave a conflict situation in order to collect more information, wait for tempers to calm down, or because you’ve concluded that what you first thought was a vital issue isn’t that important after all. Bad avoiding, however, is when the topic is very important to both persons (and to the organization), but you aren’t comfortable with confronting other people: Instead, you’re inclined to sacrifice your needs for others—which undermines your self-esteem, leaves you perpetually dissatisfied, and prevents you from learning from others.

Bottom line: Only avoid when that approach to conflict serves to satisfy your needs as well as the needs of others—whether in the short term or long term. But don’t avoid conflict simply because that mode is unfamiliar or uncomfortable to you. With awareness and practice (which builds self-confidence), you can easily learn to get both your needs and the other person’s needs met—for the best of both worlds.

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Kilmann Diagnostics offers five online courses: (1) BASIC Training in Conflict Management (an eighty-minute course), (2) ADVANCED Training in Conflict Management (an eight-hour course), (3) Culture Management Course (a six-hour course), (4) Critical Thinking Course (a six-hour course), and (5) Team Management Course (a four-hour course). These courses make expert use of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) and other assessment tools. Since these courses are recorded, they can be taken on any day, at any time, and at your own pace. Get more information by visiting http://kilmanndiagnostics.com.

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Anger: The emotion defender

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Carlos Todd

In previous post I called anger a secondary emotion. Today I am going to go a bit further and call anger the, “emotion defender”.  What I am suggesting is that when anger arises it is in fact present in the defense of some other set of emotions. Therefore I contend that when anger arises it is present because the individual is unable or unwilling to express some set of primary emotions. Anger then is that emotion that is much easier to express and is a temporary defense until the individual learns the skill to express the real emotions that are being defended by anger.

When one ignores or is ignorant of their own emotions and the needs they represent anger is that emotion that seeks to make a last effort to protect the self from further erosion of its beliefs and values. Anger is a secondary emotion that is always preceded by some set of primary emotions.   Our primary emotions give us signals regarding who we feel. For example if we value a hard day’s work and others at work appear to be less that productive the presence of what appears to be non-productive coworkers may evoke an emotional response. The individual who sees his nonproductive coworkers may over a long period of time feel taken advantage of, ignored, slighted and over time if that individual does not find a way to deal with those emotions they may respond in anger towards their coworkers. While the response is inappropriate the person’s angry response is a way to defend the values that they hold dear. In that sense anger is the defender of the other emotions-a primal response that can take over if the individual does not attend to the needs that initially caused the primary emotions to arise.

In the same way that each country has a diplomatic wing that favors talking thought a situation and a military wing that will fight its way to a solution. Consider that your primary emotions represent your diplomacy and anger represents your military. I content that it is more efficient to respond to the primary emotions by finding diplomatic solutions to our problems. Overuse of anger to defend other emotions will have damaging effects to the self and other. Ultimately the best approach will be to be in tuned with your primary emotions and appropriately met the needs associated with these emotions.

A good way to build an emotional vocabulary is to consider anger management classes that included emotional competence.

Carlos Todd, PhD

 

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Anger Management: Different from Domestic Violence

Posted on January 19, 2012 by Carlos Todd

I often get calls from women and men seeking anger management classes but on further investigation I determine that these individuals need domestic violence (DV) interventions. Callers are often confused by my referral to DV interventions which leads to an explanation of the difference between anger management and domestic violence. Here are the three most significant differences I have observed individuals with anger management issues and domestic batterers:

  1. Unlike the angry individual the domestic batterer often presents with a Jekyll and Hyde personality where the rest of the world views him as a nice guy while he terrorizes his intimate partners.
  2. While angry individuals way present with the same aggression and violence as a domestic batterer the person who only needs anger management will tend not to discriminate with their expression. In other words they are angry with everyone.
  3. Chronically angry individuals tend to express their anger as a response to perceived threats to values, beliefs or way of life. Domestic batterers however are continually seeking to exercise power and control over intimate partners through a series of actions that isolate, intimidate and manipulate their victims.

A word of warning to anger management providers: be careful not to inadvertently enroll domestic batterers into anger management classes because sometimes courts don’t know the difference and will sometimes order anger management when DV classes are warranted. Furthermore, domestic batterers are characteristically manipulative therefore teaching them anger management skills can further arm the batterer with knowledge that increases their ability to manipulate their victims—this obviously can be very dangerous.

More work is needed to sensitize the public and professionals that anger management and domestic violence are not the same. To my professional mental health colleagues what are some other quick distinctions between anger management and domestic violence?

Carlos Todd, PhD

 

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I often get calls from women and men seeking anger management classes but on further investigation I determine that these individuals need domestic violence (DV) interventions. Callers are often confused by my referral to DV interventions which leads to an … Continue reading →